May 28, 2017

Knowing that there isn't understanding.

I have things I know about myself that I’m really not happy about. Problems where I can be analytical and understand the underlying issues that have led to certain conditions but at the same time even though I understand those underlying concerns it’s not at all helpful.

There are things even at this late stage in the game I would desperately change if I could and every day is a bit of a struggle to confront those things.

Lately, it’s been hitting me in a very acute way, a worrisome way. A way where I know it’s important for me to address these problems.

Once, when I was very young, I think I must have been eight or so, I was in a very, very bad car accident with my mom. She was driving, we had this ’64 Ford Falcon, it was white. I can remember how it looked clearly. It looked something like this (without the fancy wheels):

I can clearly remember where we were (on some side streets in a very dilapidated city in upstate New York) and I’m not really sure where we were on our way to but, I do remember my mom was driving of course and I was in the back seat on the passenger’s side opposite her.

As my mom inched into a left turn from one one way street to another after stopping at a stop sign, I looked out the window to my right to see a very, very big sedan bearing down on us at a high rate of speed.

This was the sixties so when I say it was a big sedan you have to imagine something that was more akin to a tank in comparison to today’s cars. Some kind of GM or Chrysler thing that was about half again as wide as cars are today and easily longer.

There was no question about what was going to happen and surprisingly enough even at that tender age I had the presence of mind to move from the passenger side I was sitting on to the far side of the car which i pressed myself up against directly behind my mother. A few seconds later there was a tremendous impact, just huge. It was so violent it pushed our car which it hit up the street about 20 feet or so and the collision managed to push the passenger side door almost a foot into the passenger seat.

My mom was freaked out of course, the whole thing caught her totally by surprise but I can remember how time slowed down the way it does when your brain is processing information sometimes. As soon as I caught sight of the car I just moved over and I can’t think the whole time between me first seeing the car and the car hitting us was more than a few seconds, it was mid block when I saw it but still a lot less than a minute to be sure.

I never thought to shout out to my mother though and I’ve always wondered about that in retrospect.

Now, the reason I bring up that story is because of the character flaws I see within myself. Just like that time with the accident, my brain can do the calculations of the inevitable outcome and it all moves very much in slow motion but as much as I want to avoid the accident I wonder if it is inevitable and in that sense I am very scared.

I want to believe life will get easier but I don’t think that’s in the cards, I would however like very much to avoid any major accidents if I can.

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